The Silver Lining
by okami93
Summary: An inside look at Bellamys POV during the lake scene in Season 3, Episode 13. /watch?v W5364Rt4wcI&spfreload 10 Obviously a Bellarke fanfic, however I tried to do it as close to the series as possible ;) Reviews are always appreciated :) Rated T for uncertainty.


_**The Silver Lining**_

He saw her walking towards him. Angel of Death they called her.

 _Brave princess_

With the firelight illuminating her from behind and her black clothes on, Clarke definitely looked her title. But every time he heard the names some of the others used for her since her dark and often questioned decision in Mount Weather, Bellamy felt more guilty than ever. It had also been HIS decision. He had pulled that lever, too.

And instead of seeking atonement (or at least some relief of the overwhelming guilt) in solitude, as Clarke had done, he had bottled it up. He swallowed it only to let it out at the most inappropriate moment, causing even more damage and death.

 _My mother, if she knew what I've done… She raised me to be better. To be good._

Frustration washed over him. As she approached slowly, as if asking for permission to be near him, Bellamy did what he always had done since she'd come back: He took it out on her. "Let me guess? You came here to fix this. Wanheda, the peace maker."

 _The mighty Wanheda. Who chose the Grounders over her own people, who turned her back on us when we came to rescue you. Now you want to talk._

The words stumbled out of his mouth, the sarcastic tone unmistakable, yet also unwanted, uncontrolled. He couldn't help it. He'd been so frustrated when she left him alone after all they'd been through. This was the only way he could tell her because his frustration was so great. He had bottled it up again and now he was unable to talk about it.

 _You left me. You left everyone!_

Just as the first time they'd met, Clarke's steady tone, not hurt by his words because she knew what lay behind them, made him stumble: "I came to see you through, ok?"

His voice broke ever so slightly, as always when he tried to swallow his emotions: "I don't need your help."

Silence fell on them. But Clarke didn't leave like everyone else he knew would have done. She was the only one who saw behind the mask he put over his feelings; she simply didn't let him push her away. Instead she just nodded and stood next to him, observing the silent black water.

Bellamy turned his head to watch his sister standing watch by the fire. Octavia, who so rightfully had declared him dead to her. The feeling of guilt threatened to crush him every time he saw her. But he simply didn't know what he could do to ever get his sister back. His only family; the one he would willingly and happily die for. "Clarke" he called her name, his voice breaking a little more with each word, "I've lost her."

She looked at him with empathy, showing him she understood and responded with a steady voice; that was why her advice always calmed him. It seemed reasonable in the worst situations: "Give her time, Bellamy. There may be blood on your hands, but it's not Lincoln's."

 _You're not a murderer._

As realistic as it had sounded, it all crumbled when he heard Lincoln's name. As far as Bellamy was concerned, Lincoln might not have died if he hadn't sided with Pike. As long as this possibility existed, he was guilty. Guilty of killing the man who loved and saved his sister in a better way than Bellamy himself ever could. And even if he DIDN'T see it that way, Octavia certainly did, so what chance did he have?

Doubt laced his words when he responded with a question: "So what if it is?"

 _All I do is hurt people. I'm a monster._

Once more, Clarke helped him because she didn't avoid hurtful truths, but looked at them objectively: "Maybe. But you didn't want that…"

 _This isn't who you are._

She sounded so convinced and stated it so matter of factly that he began to wonder if there might be some truth in her words as Clarke went on. "You tried to stop it. Octavia will forgive you eventually."

 _You always did what you had to to protect your sister. THAT'S who you are._

With tears in his eyes, he left her gaze. However, he soon returned to it when she went on to clarify the real difficulty that all of them had had to face since their first day on earth: "The question is: Will you forgive yourself?"

The simple truth resonated inside of him, leaving him unable to hold back the tears: "Forgiveness is hard for us."

He felt he had to tell her, to explain at least a little why he had reacted the way he had back then: "I was so angry at you for leaving."

 _You're not in charge here. And that's a good thing because people die when you're in charge!_

And as Bellamy saw the shared sorrow in Clarke's eyes, more words stumbled out of his mouth. "I don't wanna feel that way anymore."

 _We can't lose Clarke!_

It was both a plea to never leave him again and a resolution to himself. An attempt to leave the past behind.

She bit her lip, lowering her gaze as she admitted: "You know, you're not the only one trying to forgive yourself."

 _I'm sorry for leaving. I knew I could, because they had you._

He nodded, understanding all too well the weight she felt. After all, and as difficult as it was, this was what had always held them together since their first arguments.

 _It's not easy being in charge, is it?_

Those days seemed a lifetime ago.

He looked into her eyes and wondered whether she knew how much he needed to see just the tiniest bit of hope.

"Maybe we'll get that someday."

 _You want forgiveness? Fine, I'll give that to you. You're forgiven, ok?_

Again, Clarke gave him hope and unlike with others, Bellamy WANTED to believe her because she declared it a possibility rather than a certainty, which seemed much more accomplishable. Still he just couldn't imagine a better future with the way things looked at the moment.

Letting out a breath he hadn't realised he was holding, he lowered his gaze for a second, only to meet her eyes when she spoke again: "But we need each other, Bellamy."

 _I'll do anything, I'll stop fighting. Just please don't kill him!_

She tried to convince him further; aware that deep in his heart, he knew it was true. "What we're doing now…the only way we're gonna pull this off is together."

 _I need you. I need the guy who wouldn't let me pull that lever in Mount Weather by myself._

More tears he couldn't hold back anymore left his eyes as Clarke did what was the only way to some easing of the pain they'd gone through. She closed the distance between them and embraced him. He unconsciously breathed in her scent and closed his eyes.

 _Together_

Time stood still for a few seconds as they held onto each other, seeking solace in the others presence. Then, as he opened his eyes, he saw the men in their diving suits just before they caught him and Clarke and gagged them both.


End file.
